December 1st, 2009 § 0

There is something wrong with me.

I’m constantly afflicted with this uneasy feeling. It drags me down during the day. It keeps me up at night. It is completely unhealthy and yet it is the one thing that keeps me living. How can something control my life but take it away at the same time? My life is imprisoned in purgatory in which ultimate triumph is within my grasp but failure tickles my feet. I am afraid to fail. I am scared to fall. I’ve become so narrow minded with the future that my past consists of nothing more then emptiness.

It is a paradox because I am truly unhappy. And I am afraid I will never change because my definition of joy constantly changes. My life has been nothing but goals. Mile markers. Drive, and driver stronger until I reach one. Drive, and drive even stronger until I reach the next. But I am driving blindly and setting goals unknowingly because my final destination has yet to be defined.

Growing up, my father rarely, if ever, told me he was proud of me. He constantly pushed me, never recognizing the achievements and milestones that I conquered throughout life. He only called out my failures and shortcomings. He instilled this mentality in me that I was never good enough. It was through this that I found my first and only true love: ambition.

There has never been a moment in my life where I was able to say to myself in honest truth that I was satisfied. No amount of success can fulfill my constant yearning for more. I am an animal hungry for the only prey that I can not catch. And I’m beginning to wonder if this drive has caused more destruction then it has opportunity.

I do not want to be better. I do not want to be “good”. I want to be the absolute best. I want to climb to the top of the hill and realize that no one can surpass me. It is a sense of competition that is insatiable. I am dangerously ambitious. Obsessively seeking success. The thought of it scares me. What will I do if I fail? Can I ever bring myself to embrace second best? … let alone 10th best?… or god forbid, not even in the range of the elite.

The last three years have seemed an eternity. It has been filled with life long choices and decisions. One after another, after another. And it’s beginning to take its toll on me. It’s constant pressure and I’m not sure how much more until I buckle and burn out … I discovered New York. And before I knew, it was gone.

I am now 22 with no sense of age. My wisdom and experience combined with this… this disorder lift my age to numbers beyond my years… but I know physically, emotionally, I do not fit the bill. I am not ready to fit the bill. It is an exhausting endeavor because my ambitious ego says otherwise. I know that my 20’s are going to pass me by while I constantly drive… and drive ever stronger to each that next goal. Some people will applaud my disorder. Some may even wish it upon themselves. But trust me… there is no way I can articulate this… you do not want this. How will you feel when the best opportunity walks right by you? And I’m not talking about career.

I’m afraid that I’ve fallen in love with ambition and that I will eventually die alone.

A little after one in the Morning.

October 20th, 2009 § 0

I open my mouth and I watch as the smoke dances it’s way into the cold. It slithers and swirls as it serenades my senses. The nicotine numbs my mind as my body relaxes, joyfully digesting the dose. I close my eyes and lean my head against the wall, letting out a deep exhale as it pushes the rest of the poison out of my system. I am calm. My breathing is lethargic, and my legs shiver, struggling to keep my body warm and active.

This is my favorite time of the day…

It is the reason I keep myself up. So that I can reach it. So that I can savor this moment. It is after one in the morning and the city is sleeping. I look beyond my balcony as I continue to drag my cigarette. It is only at this time of day that I am able to steal a selfish second. Only now am I able to escape everything and everyone. There are no problems now. Finally, I can dive into solitude… the peacefulness that envelopes me… I enjoy it.

It is now that I can reflect on my life. Every day – habitually – shortly after one in the morning I can melt into my chair… goosebumps rubbing against the cotton of my sweater. It is eerily quiet every day at this hour. There is no traffic. There is no city ambience. There is only the occasional laughter from last call and the rush of wind from a passing car. So many thoughts run through my head now. I think about who I am. About what I want to do with my life. About the problems that I encounter… you would be both surprised and impressed about how deep the mind can wander when there are no distractions. When there is no influence…

Tonight I thought about three women. Three women who have truly loved me. Who supported me. Who have seen me grow into the man I am today. Who were patient with me through the hardest, most difficult times of my life. They were the ones who waited for me. For me to realize what I had in front of me. And I think about how I let each of them walk away, and I did little more then suffer for a few days before I convinced myself to spiral into an asshole. Am I that sort of person? Am I really one of “those guys”?

Out of the three, one is now happier than ever. Happier without me in their life. While I lie and say I am happy for her, it is evident that I am pained inside. Is that selfish? Of course it is. And while I’m at it, I’d like to add arrogant to the list. I am not proud of it at all. I realize now that while I thought I was the best thing that happened to her – I never stopped to ask myself whether she was the best thing that could happen to me. I think about that question every day, and it is always the same answer. And every day I regret the way things ended. People have this notion, this fantasy, that they want to live a life with no regrets. I think it’s total bull shit. A person is not honest with their self until they learn to regret. Only then can they truly feel the weight of their decisions. If you can regret, you can (and will) learn. And it’s through the process of regret that you’re capable to grow as a person – so you will not make that mistake again. For those naive enough to believe that a life without regret is one filled with future promise, then I feel pity for the day they endure a decision they wish they could change. And I will not be the shoulder for you to cry on.

I hurt one of the three. In a shameful, selfish way. Every day I regret the way I did her. I was a coward. I convinced myself that what I did was right – but I know it wasn’t. Without a rhyme or reason, I forced her out of my life. A woman who loved me. And meant it when she looked me in the eyes and said it. And like a coward, I would say it back… an empty phrase to me, but I could see the joy fill her face… the warmth glowing in her smile in return. Even now, as I write this, I am so ashamed of myself. I was wrong, and as a believer in karma, I know my punishment will suit me. She is a strong woman, carrying on with her life – completely cutting me out of it. I don’t blame her. At the end of the day, I am still a jerk. No matter how hard I try, I am still afflicted with wrong judgement.

And finally, the third… she still waits for me. She is in her bed right now … with the false sense of security that one day I will come home and lay in it with her. She shares with me her problems… the most intimate details of her life. She asks me to be hers. She sends me cookies. She writes me letters. She welcomes me every time I come home… and no matter how much I push her away, she waits. She tries to change her self so that I can realize she’s the one. And every time I refuse, yet … I still lay in her bed from time to time, taking advantage of this imaginary image I’ve painted for her. I’ve explained to her that this isn’t what I want… but she refuses to hear it and move on, and it kills me because – like an asshole – I allow her to hold on to it, and I find myself dialing her number when I’m in town. I’m cringing at this very moment. I despise people like this, but irony would have it – I am that person…

As I take my last pull and flick away my cancer, I take a moment to regain myself. To bring it all back to reality. To slap on this smile, this disguise for a sorry excuse of a man. Three women, and I’ve let them all walk away. And I have the nerve to wonder if I will ever find the one. I fear that I will grow lonely and old. That I will never be able to share with anyone the real story of me that is dying to be told. And already, I have managed to accomplish my fears… I am the oldest 22 year old I’ve met. And I am as lonely as the guy who sleeps on the park bench at night…

…I take one last glimpse of the illuminated city streets. It is completely empty. Just like my apartment… And just like the bed that I inevitably retire myself to.

April 28th, 2009 § 1

If there’s one thing any poker player can agree on, it’s that money comes and goes like water. Once we put enough away for a bank roll (and I know many of us don’t), it’s our natural instinct to go out and spend the big bills. Whip out that wad of Benji’s. Buy some toys.  One minute you’re going through the hottest run of your life where everything seems to make perfect sense to you. Your aces don’t get cracked by jack asses with Q 8 suited, you win every single race, and your opponents always  mistakenly bet enough to make the math right for you to call with your draw and you hit it… every – singe – time. 

And of course there is the other side of the playground. Where you are completely cold decked. You can never hit a draw. You lose every coin flip. And you can’t seem to get dealt two face cards at the same time. What seperates a real grinder from the others is that we don’t look at the short term – we look at the long term. We want our opponents to call with Q 8 when we’re holding AA because 75% of the time we’re going to get paid. No problem.

It’s been a while since I’ve last updated, and since then, I’ve done about three sessions in mini Vegas. One was a losing session, one I broke even, and the other (most recently) I went up large. I kept my losing session to only $400, and so when I went up large it was enough to cover the losing session, provide a large bank roll for next time, as well as pay some outstanding bills I have let alone be able to treat myself and some lucky women to a few wine and dine sessions. I was pretty cold decked in the beginning of March, not being able to get dealt anything. The worst is when you even hit the flop with mucked cards (say top 2 pair with A7) only to see someone had flopped a set. You knew there was a cooler waiting to get dealt to you. That sort of shit fucks with your mind because you never know if your monster is ever good enough.

It seemed that all my reads were off. Did his hand twitch? Did he sigh? Did he just mumble beneath his breath? Did he stare at the flop for longer then he should have if it actually helped him? Even all of my basic tells were wrong. I even went into my “intricate” mode, counting heartbeats and keeping mental notes of them, noticing twitches and hand movement, and despite being right on a few occassions, they were all for small pots which I eventually lost in a Set over Set rainbow board cooler hand that I could do nothing about. Frustrated with my tells, play, and the deck, I decided it was a poor decision to invest any more money and ended up just chillin’ in Atlantic City, heading to a few of the bars and chatting up the women with my fellow poker buddies, and strolling the board walk.

After heading back a couple weekends after and feeling unconfident in my game and playing poorly the first day, I was able to recupirate my losses. I was actually up a few hundred when I got sucked out on with a runner runner after trapping the living shit out of someone and talking him into bluffing me (I literally said – Hey, I know what you have … if you push, I will call – you will get your back door flush draw – yes, careful what you wish for) and finally breaking even. What a pain in the ass. 

This past session was good. Not my largest score by any means, but enough to be memorable. I wasn’t running hot, but I was hitting just the right amount of flops (about 1 in every 10 hands), and was able to capitalize on my image to pull off some spectacular bluffs on the donkeys, but the following bluff is one of the better ones I’ve made in a while.

The Power of the 3rd Bullet

I very rarely will pull the trigger on the river in a huge bluff. I am a very aggressive player, but unless it’s a tournament, I find it hard to put out that third bet unless I’m absolutely sure he’s going to fold. Most of the time I will get trapped because the only time I fire a bluff on the river is when my opponent has been calling me down on each street and not raising. An example is a pre flop raise of about $15 with AK, missing the flop, continuation bet of $25 (call), second bullet for $50 (call), and then a big bet of $125 will usually take it down (my opponent usually puts me on a set beating his small over pair of 10’s or 9’s). Weak players like these are easily taken advantage of. It’s against the stronger players that I”m very cautious of… however, in the following example I think I played the bluff very well and executed the right amount in my bets to represent a set. 

I was in the cut off when I was dealt AQ of diamonds. After playing for about 6 hours and with about $600 behind, my opponent in the 3rd seat with about $750 behind raised it to $15. Two players called. Normally with AQ I would call, but I knew this was a stronger player and he had respect for me at the table. My image was tight aggressive and about 90% of my hands shown were winners. We had been pretty much avoiding eachother the whole night knowing that we were the two best players at the table. Taking advantage of a well timed bluff could work. I knew that a player of his calibre would make the “right” read and fold a big hand. With this in mind, I raised it to $40 expecting a call and out playing him on the flop. 3rd seat called, and the other 2 folded bringing the pot to $114. 

The board ran 3, 8, 2 missing the flop entirely save for a back door flush draw. My opponent lead out with a $35 bet, an average contuation bet, but relatively weak given the pot size. I “faked” a hollywood, pretending to act weak to give an image of being strong (when in reality I was weak)… letting him soak it all in. I called hoping to float him on the turn, bringing the pot to $184. I put him in the range of 9’s – J’s – maybe even AK. Q’s and higher would’ve brought a reraise on the flop… If I popped here, he would’ve repopped forcing me to fold my hand. 

The turn brought a 10, putting two clubs on the board. My opponent lead out with $75. A nice bet here. I dropped the hollywood, and announced a raise, putting an additional $75 out there. My opponent went into the tank for a while. I thought he would fold here. On the verge of mucking his cards, he hesitated, took another look at his hole cards, and then elected to call to my surprise. He seemed extremely weak. If he was trapping me, he was doing a great job of it. At this point, I was pretty invested into the pot, but would fold on the river to an all in bet, or a $100+ bet. If he checked or put a bet out there less then $100, I was shoving. The pot was now $484. I had approximately $375 behind. I know he had given me credit for a big hand. I was trying to represent a set of 8’s, click-raising for only $75 looks like it is begging for a call. The right play here for my opponent if he is holding an over pair is to reraise. But he didn’t.

The river brought a 3, pairing the board. My opponent hesitated for a few seconds before putting out a $90 bet. Having already told myself that I would shove if a bet came out under $100, and if the board was 8’s and lower… I followed my instinct and immediately announced a raise, using both hands to shove my entire stack into the pot for an additional $280 or so. He immediately mucked his hand saying, “I knew you had a set the whole time”. Emotionless, I took down the $500+ pot, my heart soaring. I was tempted to show my hand knowing it may put him on tilt… but knowing that I’d be playing with him for the next few hours I elected not to, and just remained silent, mucking my cards and tipping the dealer. 

Not showing him was enough. Throughout the entire night he stayed away from me, and would occassionally ask me whether or not I had it. I beat around the answer knowing that if I kept him thinking, he may end up making a very bad call against me in the future because he’ll never know whether or not he got bluffed…

After some solid play and losing very small pots, I was able to walk away from the table in the 4 figures. The next day saw some slow play, but after a small rush of getting dealt a set, top pair top kicker, and flushing out, followed by a golden hand 3 hours later, I was able to hit the 4 figure mark again two days in a row. I went down stairs and played some roulette, losing about $150, and then Pai Gow, but broke even there. Had a few drinks at the bar with no luck, and after deciding lady luck had left me for another man, I claimed my bag and hopped on the next bus to Port Authority. 

I’m gearing up for another session this weekend with Brendan and Spencer. We’ll see how that goes…

Until next time,
B

Homeless

February 28th, 2009 § 0

Took these earlier today.

homeless_1_resized

Inspiration Update – 2/17/09

February 17th, 2009 § 0

 

I added the following images to the Inspiration gallery. Nothing inspires me more then beautiful women though. Make sure to visit the full gallery. 

Added for Beauty

Added for Beauty

Added for Beauty

Added for Beauty

Added for Eyes

Added for use of Geometric Shapes

Added for use of Geometric Shapes

Added for Photo Manipulation and Composition

Added for Photo Manipulation and Composition

Added for Composition and Originality

Added for Composition and Originality

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Take the Girl

February 4th, 2009 § 0

When I was young, growing up in good ole’ Texas, I listened to country. Who didn’t? 

I never knew how to set my radio station correctly when I was younger, so my older sister, who was a “kicker”, a Texan term for country folk, would set it for me. My sister had it all. Country like a mofo. Even me. Cowboy boots and the hat at one point in my life. But anyways, before I’d go to bed my sister would set the radio to the country station. And this was the first time I ever learned to appreciate music. 

My favorite song of all time has been Tim McGraw – Don’t Take the Girl. And I remember all the words. Always. Pretty corny huh? But either way, this song’s got a special part in my heart and it’s something  that I have to thank my sister for. So, because I’m feeling nostalgic, here’s a little country treat for ya’ll.

Johnnys daddy was taking him fishin
When he was eight years old
A little girl came through the front gate holdin a fishing pole
His dad looked down and smiled, said we cant leave her behind
Son I know you dont want her to go but someday youll change your mind
And johnny said take jimmy johnson, take tommy thompson, take my best friend bo
Take anybody that you want as long as she dont go
Take any boy in the world
Daddy please dont take the girl

Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Ten years down the road
He held her tight and kissed her lips
In front of the picture show
Stranger came and pulled a gun
Grabbed her by the arm said if you do what I tell you to, there wont be any harm
And johnny said take my money, take my wallet, take my credit cards
Heres the watch that my grandpa gave me
Heres the key to my car
Mister give it a whirl
But please dont take the girl

Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Five years down the road
Theres going to be a little one and she says its time to go
Doctor says the babys fine but youll have to leave
cause his mommas fading fast and johnny hit his knees and there he prayed
Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
Ill gladly take her place if youll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God, please dont take the girl

Johnnys daddy
Was taking him fishin
When he was eight years old

I’ll find me a girl to take fishing one day :P

B

AC Trip Recap: 1/30/09

February 1st, 2009 § 1

Scared money don’t make money.

That’s was the first mantra I adopted when I begin playing cards seriously and competively nearly four years ago. No person, not just in poker, can make any money if they are scared to invest it. Poker is not gambling. It is a game that has statistics and skill, but most of all, the room for imagination and creative play. Any hand can potentially win. It’s just how you choose to play it.

I’d been logging in a few hours online here and there and I’ve been playing a lot more aggressively then usual in tournaments. And it’s been paying off significantly. I was already aggressive in play by nature, constantly betting and re-raising without fear, but I found myself playing hyper-aggressively, playing great position poker and picking my spots wisely. This month was the best month I’ve had in tournament play, and it was the type of poker I’d missed. I started off as a tournament player “touring” the Maryland scene and taking down tournaments. Then I discovered the quicker pace and higher adreneline filled cash games and I loved it. In 30 seconds, I could make as much as I did playing six hours winning a tournament. Granted there are higher risks, but to players on a more advanced level, risk is nothing more then calculations. 

I had cashed in about 13 tournaments this month, mostly sit and go’s, but a few of the larger money ones and I was itching to play live. I took my usual every-two-weeks trip down to Atlantic City and I was feeling really good about my game. My card sense hasn’t been this strong in a while and I was looking to get a nice pay day. Although I didn’t win as much as I had wanted to (I was aiming huge this weekend), I did walk away with a nice score, but ultimately really happy with the way I played. I went solo this time as Brendan couldn’t make it, but I played in the Saturday evening tournament and placed 7th. I was really dissapointed with the way that ended, but I’ll talk about that later. Instead, I want to highlight a few hands that paid me off.

I arrived in AC around 11 PM, and after checking into my room and settling in, I went straight into the poker room. As usual, all of the pit and floor managers greeted me personally and were excited to see me back. I said hi to all my favorite cocktail waitresses. I chatted with all of them for a few minutes seeing how their kids were doing. I did a quick round around the room to say hi to all the dealers. I waited for the ones who would wink at me, or give me some indication that the table was loose. I talked to the ones who were on break, or the ones in rotation asking them which table I should play at. They all said the same one. I went to the registration lobby and requested a seat at table 27. I guess as was normal at that table, a guy had just busted and I took his seat. Sitting down, within minutes I saw what the dealers were talking about. I noticed one regular there and gave him a wink and a nod, and we both silently understood that we would remain out of eachother’s way. The other 8 players at the table were fair game.  This table was ridiculously loose, very friendly, and there was a lot of action. Just the way I liked it. 

Slowing playing AQ and Doubling Up on my first hand.

As usual, I sat out on the first few hands I was dealt. This is so I could get a feel for the table and see how everyone else was playing. I’d only play the first few hands if I was dealt a premium, or some medium suited connectors. On my 7th hand with my initial buy in of $200 in front of me, I was dealt  AQ in middle position. It folded around to the woman in front of me who made it $15. I thought about raising, but figured I didn’t want to get caught up in too big of pot on my first hand so I just flat called. It folded around to the big blind who called as well bringing the pot to $46. 

The flop came:
 

 

I spiked top pair on a rainbow board. Usually, I would raise once the continuation bet came from either the big blind or the woman in front of me, but the action went check-check. Now, usually I would bet about half the pot here, in this case $25, and see if anyone came along for the ride. But the rainbow board provided me with much more  creative and imaginative options. Because there are no flush draws, and no playable draws (someone would have a gut shot if they played any sort of low connectors here, and in a raised flop, I doubted that). Because the action went check-check, I figured that one of them was holding AK, which means that they were drawing only to a K to beat me. The other person probably had a medium pair such as 77 or 99 and if any of those cards came and someone moved all in on me, I’d be able to get away from the hand for cheaper. However, with top pair and top kicker in my hand, and a chance to trap someone, I decided to simply check behind the other two, hoping an A would pop up on the turn and allow me to extract as much money as possible. If the card was not a K, I’d play it significantly hard. 

The turn brought the beautiful:
 

 

This gave me top 2 pair, a power house of a hand, and since the board was now completely rainbow, there were no chances for a flush draw. The big blind opened for $25. The woman in front of me raised it to $75, and I was faced with a decision. Having one of them bet, followed by a re-raise told me that one of, if not both of them was holding an Ace in the hole. This was beautiful news for me because the only hand that beats me at this point is a set on the flop, or pocket aces. Both of these are possible, but holding top two, I was willing to lose my entire stack if that was the case. There would just be nothing I could do in that spot. I could smooth call, which would leave me with $110 behind. Or I could move all in here and most likely take down the pot here if anyone was holding something weaker then AK. If there was AK out there, I would win all their money on the river unless a K came on the river, and I would be able to get out of the hand with a large hit, but nothing I can’t recover from. AK would not lay down their hand here to an all in. I elected to smooth call. 

To my delight, the big blind announced a raised, and pushed his stack into the middle of the pot, which was about $400. If he had a set of 2’s, or 6’s, then there was nothing I could do here, but I had him pegged on AK at this point, a very legimate play with that holding. The woman in front of me went into the think tank. About two minutes passed (an enternity to poker players), and she finally folded. That scared me for a second because she could be the one with AK, and she was folding here scared for a set. She had about $250 behind and didn’t want to lose her stack. But like I said earlier, if there was a set, there was nothing I could do. 

I immediately announced a call pushing my stack into the middle, and the big blind stood up and flipped over AK, certain he had the winning hand. I flipped over my AQ, and he groaned. “Nice play” he said across the table. I tapped the table in recognition and waited for the dealer to continue on the river. The woman in front of me clapped and “patted herself on the back” when she said she folded AJ. 

The river brought a blank, and I took down the almost $500 pot. 

I played a few hands here and there for the rest of the next few hours building my stack up to about $700 before calling it a night around 3 AM. I went down to high limit room down stairs and sat down at the Pai Gow table and bought in for $100 just to sit back and relax and play a few hands. The real entertainment was watching the high roller next to me who was playing two hands of Pai Gow, betting out $1,000 each hand. The black and purple chips made my dinky little green chip look like candy, but oh well. He was super friendly and gave me advice whenever I needed it. Pai Gow was nice to me, and I doubled my money in about 30 minutes. I should’ve walked away, but instead I stayed around since I was willing to lose the $100. I told myself if I got another $50 that I’d walk away up $150, but instead, over the next 30 minutes, the dealer was ridiculously hot and even with my strong hands I lost my entire stack. Oh well. Down $100. In that same run, the high roller next to me lost about $20,000, showing no emotion whatsoever, and was just laughing all the way through. He had about another $75,000 behind him. Jesus. Why was he at the $25 table? lol. 

I went to sleep and after a nice hearty lunch at the Bistro, the room and food all comp’ed thanks to Harrah’s awesome rewards program, I arrived at the tables at 1. I did my usual rounds again to say hi and see if I could get any inside information on the tables, but didn’t get any advice. No problem. I put my name on the list and took the first available seat. I bought in for $200 again. 

My golden hand – hitting the 4 figure mark with KJ.

I played a few hands, taking down some decent pots, and playing really aggressive, getting paid off on my stronger hands of sets and such. I was simply building my stack until I hit my golden hand so I could get paid big. After about 6 hours of playing and a stack of about $550, I found myself in the big blind with KJo. It was raised to $15 by the super stack at the table who had about $2,000 behind him. I was going to be very cautious here as he was the only one at the table who could bust me. When it was folded all around to me, I called. The pot was $31.

Then came the golden flop:

 

I had flopped the absolute nuts on the flop. Save for runner runner, there was no way I could lose this hand. I could possibly tie it if an A hit, but if the board didn’t pair, or flush out, I was going to get paid. Big time. The obvious play here is to slow play it because if my opponent didn’t hit, even a continuation bet of $15 would make him fold. He lead out with a huge over bet of $25. My curiosity sparked, and I was a little let down because this told me he didn’t want a call, and that if I did call here, he would be slow throughout the rest of the hand. He may be holding something such as AT and didn’t want any action. If I raised here, or if I smooth called and bet on the turn, he would immediately fold. My hopes of a golden hand had momentarily faded. My only option here to extract as much money as possible was to just smooth call and hope he caught something on the turn. The pot was now at $81. 

The turn brought:
 

 

An above average card. This would complete a smaller straight if he had any connectors, but I was still holding the absolute nuts with the K high straight. But now there was a flush draw, and I would have to bet it hard so that I would not get rivered. If a spade hit on the river, and he flushed out, there was no way I was going to get away from the hand. So I would have to take the pot down right now. I lead out with $50, a little more then half of the pot. The super stack thought for a few seconds, playing with his chips as if to contemplate a call. In my head, I was just yelling “CALL CALL!”. But even better, after thinking it through, he announced a raise. He commited the $50, before breaking down a double stack, and pushing them both in for a $200 raise, $150 on top of my bet. I almost instantly went all in, but I had to contain myself. If I did that, he would most likely fold. I faked a bewildered look and pretended to look “blown away” by the raise by slouching into my chair, widening my eyes, and turning my arms limp. After my little Hollywood act, I pretended to go into the think tank, when really all I was thinking about was whether or not he was going to call my all in. It would be an additional $375 for him to call. Enough for him to fold, but at this point, he could be holding something such as As Qs, and I didn’t want him to draw out to a flush. He may even have a set, and if the board paired on the river, I would lose my entire stack. I figured he would be a good enough player to lay down either of those hands if I moved all in for $375 on top. However, if he was holding the second nuts of J8, I was going to win. And there was no way he could get away. His $200 raise told me he was very, very strong, and playing J8 this way was the correct move. He would have flopped the second nuts, inferior only to KJ, my holding. 

I looked him dead in the eye and found him staring at me the entire time. I announced a raise very quietly. The entire table looked on as they were excited to see how large the pot was going to get. The dealer, a friend of mine, looked at me. She seemed a bit worried because she knew that the super stack was a very good player having seen him play. She didn’t want to see me get busted, and though she knew I was an excellent player, she didn’t want to break my heart. Hah! 

I broke down my stacks, and played with my chips for a few seconds before stacking them all up again and with both hands, moved my stack in slowly and cautiously. Before I could even make it all the way in, the super stack yelled “Call!”. My heart broke, because I thought he had KJ as well, and we would be splitting the pot after all of my Hollywood acting. But to my pleasure, he turned over the second nuts, J8 of clubs. I flipped over my KJ, and he closed his eyes and just dropped his head back looking at the ceiling again. Seems like everyone does that.

I was going to win the pot. His only hope was if a K came on the river and we would chop it. Fortunately, the Ace of Spades dropped on the river (Thank god he didn’t have spades!). The dealer looked super happy and she flashed me a huge grin. Later, when she was on break and I was taking a smoke break at the bar, she came up to me and told me she was really nervous. She knew I was very aggressive, and would not be scared to commit my entire stack on a huge bluff if I knew I could get someone to lay the hand down. She told me I acted really well because she put me on a set, and thought that I was going to lose all my chips. I asked her if she knew he had the straight, and she was like “Of course!”. We laughed. 

I took down the pot which was worth about $1,100. I tipped my dealer $40. 

Almost winning the tournament.

I played for another couple of hours, building my stack up to $1,300 before registering for the 8 o’clock tournament of $100+20. There was a bigger sign up then usual, and the tournament fielded about 65 players, for a prize pool of $6,500. Yum! Up about $1,500 in profits, I decided it’d probably be smart to just walk away from the tables, invest the $120 and play the tournament – keeping my bank roll nice and safe for a few hours before leaving and heading home. 

I was playing some of my best poker once the tournament started. I was playing hyper aggressive, taking down a lot of pots with weak and medium hands. When I made it to the show down, I made sure I had a strong showing. I didn’t want everyone to know that I was playing aggressive, and instead wanted them to think that I was catching cards. We started with about $10,000 in chips, and nearing the end of the 4th level and heading into the break, I had about $38,000 in chips when I was dealt AA. The blinds were 200/400 and I raised it to 1,200. I had two callers and one moved all in for 16,000. I instantly called, hoping someone else would move all in, but no one did. He flipped over KK, and I flipped over AA. If  I could take over 50,000 after the break, I knew I’d have a good shot at winning the tournament. I was already 6th in chips, and this would greatly increase my odds. Unfortunately the AA didn’t hold up as he hit a ridiculous 2 outer K on the river which dwindled my stack down to about 22,000. 

Thank goodness there was a break because I was steaming a bit. After the cigarette and break, I came back to the tables fresh and determined to win the whole thing. First place was going to pay $2,700. I returned to my aggressive nature, pulling off some huge bluffs, and building my stack up to over 50,000, knocking out 3 players on the way. Heading into the 8th level, and 2nd break, we were down to 3 tables of 7, and my 50,000 stack was placing about 9th in the tournament. The chip leader already had over 100k. Once the break resumed, the blinds were at 3,000/6,000 with 300 chip antes if I remember correctly. I stole and thieved my way into about the 90k range, when I won a huge pot with set over set and knocking a player out to reach the final table of 10 people with about 130k in front of me. 9th place paid, so we all put up $15 bucks as a “honorary” prize for the bubble, who would make his money back. 

Once the break resumed, and the final table commenced and the chips were colored up, I found myself 3rd in chips.  The chip leader had about 200k, and second place was barely in front of me with about 150k. The table took forever before we knocked out the first player. 9th would pay about $270. Now we had all made the money, and the table loosened up a bit. About 8 hands later, 9th place was knocked out, and the 3 chip leaders retained their positions. I was able to knock out the 8th place player who had a mini stack of about 20k. This brought me up to about 170k when I was dealt QQ. The blinds were at 5,000/10,000 now with 500 chip antes, and that was huge. The tournament was playing really fast, and it pretty much turned into a crap shoot. 

I raised it to 30k, content with taking down the preflop pot which was worth about 20k. Everyone folded around to the chip leader who raised. My heart sank because I didn’t want to tango with him, because once again, he was the only that could stack me. Furthermore, I didn’t want to finish in a stupid 7th, and see the short stack of 40k make it to 6th place. But, my eyes were fixed on first place, and if I could double up here, I would all but knock out the chip leader, and take a commanding chip lead of over 300k, and be in a good position to take down first place. His raise made it 60k to go. I figured him for AK, or a medium pocket pair. I wasn’t scared of KK or AA, but if he had it, then there was nothing I could do. At these levels, stealing raises and blinds were very typical, and I thought he may have figured me for stealing the blinds and was trying to shove me around because he knew I wouldn’t get involved with his super stack. 

I immediately announced all in once his chips were collected into the pot. On the rail, the floor and pit bosses and a few of the dealers were watching, quietly rooting for me because they wanted a regular to win. The dealers were also rooting for me because they knew if I won, that I’d leave a nice healthy tip, something none of the tournament players do unless they come here often. 10% is normal and average, and I leave about 12-15% depending on where I place. Anyways…

I immediately announced my all in hoping that he’d fold. I didn’t want to see AK and have a raise for the tournament, but at this point, I had no choice. He went into the think tank for what seemed an eternity. After about 30 seconds of thinking, someone called for the clock, because the next blind level was approaching, and having him sit there and think would end up costing everyone some more ante and blind money. But once the Boss announced that he had 30 seconds to think, he immediately called, and flipped over Ad Td. WHAT?!

The retard committed pretty much his entire stack with Ad Td. Why!? He couldn’t put me on anything better? I flipped over my QQ, and was a little worried because I felt the Ace was going to hit and put me out on the tournament. A lot of times, donkeys like that win the tournament because it’s just in the cards. My little “fan section” was happy to see me flip over QQ, and were excited to see me be way ahead. The dealer, another friend of mine, dealt the flop. He tapped the table, and as he was flipping over 4th street, he realized it was an A, and slowly, and reluctantly set it down onto the table. The donkey bastard slammed the table and shouted “That’s what I’m talking about baby!” and clapped his hands. All I could do was smile and let out a little laugh. Kenny, one of the dealers watching on the rail hit is forward and the Bosses just looked at eachother with a sarcastic smile blown away by the call of Ad Td. The little donkey danced as he collected the pot. Liang, the dealer who fucked me over (JK!) let out a hurt look. I told him it was all good. Everyone shook my hand, and some of the earlier players from the tournament who were watching and had played with me (or knocked out by me) told me they thought I was going to win it, and that they wanted me to win it as well. Seems like I got a nice little fan base molding. Hah.

Kenny walked me over to the cage so I could cash out 7th and I walked away with about $500, leaving a $50 tip for the dealers to split. He told me he wanted me to win and was sorry to see the Ace get dealt, then we laughed about what a donkey the player was for calling me with Ad Td. I stuck around for a little while longer before heading to down stairs to play some of the table games with my profits while waiting for my bus to leave. Turns out, the last three people chopped the pot and each walked away with about $1,500. Damn!

Oh well. Overall, I’m really satisfied with the trip and how things went and how I played. If only I had won that tournament, it would’ve been a huge pay day! Not record breaking, but damn near close. Instead, I walk away with almost $2,000 in profits, before winning $200 on Pai Gow, only to blow it on Roulette. I chatted it up with some really hot girls though, one of them giving me her number and asking if I’d be here later that night (since it was already close to 3 AM). I said no, and she oh… that’s just too bad and gave me a kiss on the cheek before I left.

Fuck man.

Insomnia.

January 20th, 2009 § 5

Here I am. Staring blankly at the clock as it reads 4:20 AM. I have to wake up for work in less than three hours, but yet… here I am. 

It’s been another night of tossing and turning. I can’t sleep. These nights have become frequent in the last month and it’s finally starting to catch up to me. My sleeping is irregular. My eating is different. My eyes are baggy. I’ve become highly irritable. I am in the midst of my most devasting creative block. My friends have even began to point out that something looks wrong with me. Like I’m stressed. Tired. Upset. Angry. And I keep thinking. Random thoughts. Seeing random images. Random acts just play out in my head. I’m not sure why… Is it because I have a lot to say? Or is it because I have nothing to say at all? But at the same time, it all leads back to one thing – her

I remember the last conversation I had with her, about four months ago. 

I dialed her number late one night. Probably around 1 AM. With no intention to say anything. I just wanted to hear her voice again. Perhaps for the last time. It has a calming effect on me. Like that warm, safe feeling you get when eating those fresh-baked cookies mom used to make. She picked up.

“Hello?” she said softly. I knew I had woken her up.

“…” I couldn’t answer. Already, I could feel myself getting choked up. Her voice was sweet and as soft as I could remember it. As if nothing had changed. Maybe that’s what bothered me.

“Bryan?”

“…” Again, I couldn’t say a word. I knew if I opened my mouth words would just flow out and I wouldn’t be able to control myself. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Don’t call me baby I thought to myself. She stayed on the phone with me for what seemed to be an eternity. Both of us silent… hearing each other breathe. 

“… is he with you now?” I managed to mumble out. I didn’t want to know the answer because I already knew it.

“… yes.” she answered. Maybe reluctantly. Maybe feeling bad for me. Maybe regretting that I had to ask that question. I’ll never know. All I could feel though was the anger and depression heating up to a boiling point. I could imagine him, arms wrapped around her the way I used to do. Wishing her good night and kissing her on the forehead before laying there waiting for her to fall asleep, safe in my arms. Feeling her body move with every small breath she took as she slipped away into a dreaming state. My anger and depression evolved into a state of rage and jealousy.

“I hate you.” I heard myself say to her. I couldn’t take it back. I didn’t want to take it back. But at the same time, I wasn’t sure if I really meant what I had just said.

“You don’t mean that…” she answered. I could hear the uncertainty in her voice.

“I fucking hate you.” I said said slowly and as clearly as I could while letting out a defeated sob. The tears had built up and by now were streamining down my cheeks. I wanted to punch something. There was silence on the other end of the line. What more could she say? There was nothing. 

“I never want to talk to you again.” I said. “Good bye.” 

And with that, I hung up the phone. And that was the last time I ever spoke to her. 

Maybe that is why I haven’t been able to sleep at night. I don’t know. Ever since then, I’ve tried to hide it all. I attempted to conceal my wounded pride by allowing myself to slip into a downward spiral of animalistic fucking and drinking. I have become completely ignorant to the person I used to be. And here I am. Maybe at the dead end of that downward spiral. 

People have asked me, “Bryan, are you over her?” and before I answer that question, I think about what it truly means for me to be over her. Does it mean that I can carry on my every day life without having her enter my head? Does it mean that I can look another woman in the eye and truly think only about the one in front of me? Does it mean that when I am in bed with another woman that she never crosses my mind? If that’s the case, then yes. I am over her. And I will answer that question with a consistent answer – Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Which of course begs the question, why am I writing this? Why is it that I toss and turn at night? Everyone remembers the events that change their lives. Either for the better or worse. This is no different. I think anyone would be inhuman to completely forget and move on from their first love – no matter the outcome of that relationship. For me to be able to finally tell this story, openly, and willingly, to whom ever wants to read it, says to me that I am indeed over her. I have kept this from myself and from my friends for months. But here I am. Unveiled. In a completely vulnerable state. I’ve nothing to hide any more. I toss and turn at night because it’s hard for me to accept that the way I closed a chapter of my life was with the phrase, “I fucking hate you, and never want to talk to you again”. I dont’ care who you are. What you’ve done. But to me, no one deserves that sort of hate. No one deserves to be completely shut out of someone else’s life – albeit without at least some sort of closure. And that is why I think I can not sleep. Because this chapter of my life that saw me through my final years of high school and into college continues to linger on without some sort of ending. I am not sure the ending will ever be written, but at least this is some progress. 

I have accepted the fact that she’s with someone else know. And I hope, very, very happy. In the end, all I want is a woman that I can trust. That I can confidently let into my life, into myself and allow her to understand me, and for me to understand her. I guess that sort of thing is rare – especially out here in the city. But I know she exists. Maybe I’ve already met her. Who knows? It’s one of those things that only time has the power to dictate. 

Maybe now I can close my eyes and fall asleep. 

Bry

Love Bomb

January 16th, 2009 § 0

I bought the N.E.R.D. – Seeing Sounds album via iTunes the other week after hearing Sooner or Later on Youtube for the first time. Then I heard Everyone Nose. Then I found this gem on the album that should be the next single. It’s fuckin’ HOT. I love it. Such a great song. I’ve been rocking out to the entire CD for the whole week. Definitely worth the money, or download for all you pirating whores.

Sitting Here in this white padded room
Imagining I’m a meteor flying out through the distant space
How does tiny speckle earth destroy tommorow?
so capable of so many things
why make life taking planes
but I believe,that when you lose your root
just use the sunlight
it could be your guide
no more political dreams
not another excuse
don’t need another love song we need the love bomb

Chorus:
to just blow us away
to freakin blow the lights out
to turn the night to day
hear it from miles away
just to make it right now
fuck what the government say
we gotta save some lights now
is that ok?

Verse:
can’t you see?
this is the Truman show baby
cause when they fight who dies is you
ohhhh what if you unscrew me
we’ve got the same gear and same tools
but how you gonna catch up with your head hanging down?
whatcha see staring at the ground?
but I believe, even without a clue
you’ve the sunlight
and it can be your guide
no more political dreams
not another excuse
don’t need another love song we need the love bomb

Chorus:
to just blow us away
to freakin blow the lights out
to turn the night to day
and root from other way
just to make it right now
fuck what the government say
we gotta save some lights now
is that ok?

Bridge:
I’m trying to imply the few,
by removing propaganda but,
The must of fused a dove w/ superglue,
Im tryin to take a machine apart yea,
What I’m simply trying to do
Is have the business take a pause,
I’ve been down every avenue,
But every body’s good as gone.

Chorus:
to just blow us away
to freakin blow the lights out
to turn the night to day
here it from miles way
just to make it right now
fuck what the government say
we gotta save some lights now
is that ok?

My Only 2009 Resolution

January 14th, 2009 § 0

Nearing the end of 2009, I naturally began thinking about what I wanted to do in 2009.

For some reason, I felt obligated to make this one of my biggest years. I guess that comes with starting my career, moving to a new city by myself, and turning 21. So, I sort of cheated. I thought about making a list. But that’s too definite. I don’t want to check items off of a list this year. Instead, I want to do so much that heading into 2010 all I can say is “Damn, now that was a good year.”

So my only resolution this year is: Do everything I want. No thinking. No procrastinating. No phone sex (relax, I mean “All talk and no action”). Just do. No more being lazy. No excuses. There are so many things I want to accomplish that it’ll take me days to write a ridiculous list.

I want to write. I mean really write. I’ve been meaning to write a book for ages, as a matter of fact that was last year’s resolution. And here I am, nearly 356 days later, and I’ve barely one chapter written. I want to lose more weight. I did that last year, but I want to lose a lot more. I’m a chunky kid – don’t think I don’t know it – and now that I’m officially single and being as how I’ve realized first impressions mean everything New York, well, all this extra Bryan is going down the drain. I want to continue playing cards at a higher level, and building a bank roll fat enough to get into the World Series next year. Or maybe just the WPT. Whatever. I want to get on some tour. I want to achieve the quality of work that a Junior Art Director can do. I’m surrounded my an obscene and almost dirty amount of talent at work, and my mentor is one of the best in the game. What better atmosphere to learn from? I want to take advantage of that. I want to photograph. It’s a serious hobby of mine and between work, cards, and now writing, it’s tough to squeeze in the time to hop on a train and head into the city. But like I said. This year? No excuses. Just do. I want to meet a woman. Being a bachelor is nice, but it’s always better to wake up to a beautiful pair of brown eyes in the morning and getting a kiss before and after work. Who doesn’t want that?

And now as I’m free-writing this I realize that I am building a list after all.

This is a pretty calm and standard post on my blog, but I wanted it to be out there. I wanted it to be on the record. I want to look at this in a year’s time and feel like my achievements completely squashed this blog entry.

And for all of you out there who have similar tasks ahead of you this year. I raise one for you. Let’s get it done. It’s game time baby.

Bry

PS – I also added a page called “Inspiration” on the left side. It contains pictures and images that have moved me in one way or another. A lot of is pictures of women, but theres a lot of photography and design related things. It’s everything that I find beautiful. Touching. Moving. Whatever. Anything that sparked some sort of emotion with me. Think of it as my own private gallery.