There is something wrong with me.

I’m constantly afflicted with this uneasy feeling. It drags me down during the day. It keeps me up at night. It is completely unhealthy and yet it is the one thing that keeps me living. How can something control my life but take it away at the same time? My life is imprisoned in purgatory in which ultimate triumph is within my grasp but failure tickles my feet. I am afraid to fail. I am scared to fall. I’ve become so narrow minded with the future that my past consists of nothing more then emptiness.

It is a paradox because I am truly unhappy. And I am afraid I will never change because my definition of joy constantly changes. My life has been nothing but goals. Mile markers. Drive, and driver stronger until I reach one. Drive, and drive even stronger until I reach the next. But I am driving blindly and setting goals unknowingly because my final destination has yet to be defined.

Growing up, my father rarely, if ever, told me he was proud of me. He constantly pushed me, never recognizing the achievements and milestones that I conquered throughout life. He only called out my failures and shortcomings. He instilled this mentality in me that I was never good enough. It was through this that I found my first and only true love: ambition.

There has never been a moment in my life where I was able to say to myself in honest truth that I was satisfied. No amount of success can fulfill my constant yearning for more. I am an animal hungry for the only prey that I can not catch. And I’m beginning to wonder if this drive has caused more destruction then it has opportunity.

I do not want to be better. I do not want to be “good”. I want to be the absolute best. I want to climb to the top of the hill and realize that no one can surpass me. It is a sense of competition that is insatiable. I am dangerously ambitious. Obsessively seeking success. The thought of it scares me. What will I do if I fail? Can I ever bring myself to embrace second best? … let alone 10th best?… or god forbid, not even in the range of the elite.

The last three years have seemed an eternity. It has been filled with life long choices and decisions. One after another, after another. And it’s beginning to take its toll on me. It’s constant pressure and I’m not sure how much more until I buckle and burn out … I discovered New York. And before I knew, it was gone.

I am now 22 with no sense of age. My wisdom and experience combined with this… this disorder lift my age to numbers beyond my years… but I know physically, emotionally, I do not fit the bill. I am not ready to fit the bill. It is an exhausting endeavor because my ambitious ego says otherwise. I know that my 20’s are going to pass me by while I constantly drive… and drive ever stronger to each that next goal. Some people will applaud my disorder. Some may even wish it upon themselves. But trust me… there is no way I can articulate this… you do not want this. How will you feel when the best opportunity walks right by you? And I’m not talking about career.

I’m afraid that I’ve fallen in love with ambition and that I will eventually die alone.